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A tribute to some of the many actors & characters
who, without MST3K, we might never have known.
Whether that's a good or a bad thing, I don't know.
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My Torgo Star Rating System
(This system is for actors only...when examining a character, and not the actor, the stars don't figure in) |
Torgo
Stars
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| No Torgo Stars: A good actor in a bad career choice. Let's hope you've learned your lesson. |
NONE
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| 1 Torgo Star: Please take an acting course. You might be able to save yourself but not without work. |  |
| 2 Torgo Stars: You know you're pretty bad but you don't much care. Hell, they keep casting you so why not? | |
| 3 Torgo Stars: Please please stop making movies. What have we ever done to make you want to hurt us so badly? You revel in your badness and bask in our pain...it only makes you stronger... | |
Specialty Awards
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Great
Character Award
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Horrible
Character Award
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STOP
Writing Award
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A
BRIEF NOTE: You may notice that a lot of these character/actor
reviews are on a lot of the people from seasons 8-10. The reason for
this is because I have all of those episodes on tape and watch them
constantly. I've seen just about every episode of MST3K (except for
about 5 in the first couple of seasons) but I don't OWN all the episodes.
Therefore if they weren't in the last 3 seasons or haven't been released
by Rhino, I can only go by memory and frankly, because of film &
TV, my memory is pretty shot. As I get more episodes I will do more
reviews. I thought I'd just mention this because I do love Joel &
the early stuff as much as the new stuff but I don't have the $$$ to
go buying all of the old episodes off the Internet and I don't have
much to tape trade with either. So, enjoy,
and I will keep adding reviews as I add to my episode collection. I'm sorry for being poor all right! GEEZ! |
Coleen
Gray
in #802 The Leech Woman |
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| I have to admit it...I like Coleen Gray. I think she's a good actor. I had never heard of her until I saw her in this MST3K movie (as well as in #902 "Phantom Planet", but her roll there was so insignificant I'm ignoring it here, thank you) and it felt odd when MST3K was over that day and I thought "That movie wasn't THAT bad I guess. I mean in reality the main woman really did nothing wrong!" (more on that later). Ms. Gray's performance as June Talbot, tortured wife, may have been a little over the top, with some camp sprinkled in for good measure, but I still think she pulled it off quite well. She's a very good actress in other non-bad films as well and that gives her cred in my mind. I decided that I liked her so much I bought her autograph off of eBay. It was, sadly, quite cheap, but then again no one pays me at all for my signature so she should still feel good about it. I am now searching for "The Leech Woman" movie poster (full or half sheet...I'm not picky) to hang on the wall with her autograph. But it's just not because of Coleen I like this movie. It's also because of the great way in that no matter what happens, it is always a woman's fault. And if you really watch this movie, you realize, wait...she didn't even do anything...she was forced in just about every circumstance to take the action she did. Examples: she didn't kill her husband because she was a bitch but because he was basically going to ditch her there and "come back for her later", hence, killing her. What she got was revenge and I loved it. THEN she's almost strangled by a pervert thief and sure, her intention in meeting up with him may have been to kill him for his sweet pineal juice but he started strangling her first! He's out killing old women for their jewelry and were supposed to feel BAD she wiped him out? And don't even get me started on when she killed the African Jungle (Griffith Park) guide. The guy was going to ditch her in a freaking jungle and leave her for dead because she was OLD! Like he'd never seen an old person before? Again, she got sweet sweet revenge. If you really think over every situation she was in, I think you would have done the same things she did. And don't forget, she didn't even want to get the fountain of youth treatment in the first place! Her husband volunteered her so he could get away while she died. If you had had no choice, like June didn't in becoming young again, wouldn't you have done what it took to survive when it was all over and done? I think you would. I know I would. **A few tidbits for you: June's husband, Dr. Talbot, played by Phillip Terry, was married to Joan Crawford (one of my all time favorite actors) for about 5 years. And Gloria Talbott, who played Sally, Dr. Talbot's nurse that packs the Colt Panther and is engaged to NEEEEEIIIIIIIILLLLL, is the mother of Megan Mulally, the actress who plays Karen on "Will & Grace". Just thought you'd like to know. That's what I'm here for: useless trivia.** |
 Mr.
Charles B. Pierce - director, actor, screenwriter, sexist, human form
of satan - is the only person from all the retched MST3K movies to earn
ALL of my esteemed awards. I think the question why is obvious in only
a brief 5 minute viewing of ANY scene from "Boggy Creek II",
or any other movie Mr. Pierce might have had anything to do with. The
fact alone that he wears mini shorts in this movie is unforgivable and
I think a capital crime in some countries (we can only wish it was in
this one). As Charles prances around in his shorts, holding a gun like
a complete moron who has obviously never held a gun before, we are subject
to his nepotism by having to witness his scrawny-assed ratboy son who
continually takes his shirt off like he's a pin-up. The worst thing
about that is we suddenly realize someone actually had sex with Charles
B. Pierce - hence the existence of ratboy. This movie is really painful
because it's obviously just a forum for Charles B. Pierce to showcase
himself in. I don't think I have to mention that every woman in this
film is completely inept and stupid. Naturally they would not know how
to function if Charles "Doc Lockhart" Pierce didn't tell them
what to do every step of the way. Of course when they do go off on their
own it ends in disaster because they're both too dumb to get a car out
of the mud by themselves. Without Doc Lockhart's guidance I'm truly
surprised they remembered how to breathe. I think one of the drawbacks
of film, my own personal choice of self-expression as well as career,
is that anyone is able to do it - and that anyone includes people like
Charles B. Pierce and his obvious mentor, pain god Coleman Francis.
At least you can chuckle between cries of horror at some of the goings
on in Coleman Francis' "films". With a Charles B. Pierce "film",
a chuckle is no where to be found because all the laughter has left
the world once the movie starts. The pain of a fiery hell and the nonstop
flowing tears of anguish will start within 3 minutes of the opening
credits. To have to sit through another Charles B. Pierce movie would
be like asking me to rip off each of my fingernails and then shove them
into my eyes one at a time. |
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NO STARS |
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Rowsdower #910 The Final Sacrifice |
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I thought this character was funny, but at the same time I was completely
repelled by him. The funny part is due mostly to Mike & the 'bots,
but I always enjoy it when a filmmaker makes a main character, who is
supposed to be liked, a complete wretched human being that you want destroyed
at the first plot point. I wonder if these filmmakers mean for the characters
to turn out this way or if it just naturally happens because of bad directing,
screenwriting, acting, etc.? Rowsdower is kind of like the infamous Mitchell
character. He's the main star, the "hero" as it were, but yet
he is one of the most repulsive things you'll ever witness. I think Rowsdower
just may be the Canadian Mitchell. Again with this character, either Christian
Malcolm (the actors name) is a gifted character actor or he is just playing
himself. The answer is not as obvious as it is with Reb Brown/David Ryder
because why would anyone want to showcase themselves if this was how they
really were? People like Reb Brown are proud of their pecs & delts
and are happy to show you every muscle. You'd think someone like Rowsdower
would want to hide his personality from the world and that makes me wonder
if maybe Mr. Malcolm is actually a good actor. I'm leaning more toward
no but I guess I'll never be sure because I don't think he's ever been
in anything else. I also think the same writer that came up with the name
"Flavia" also came up with the name "Zap Rowsdower".
What in the hell are these writers thinking? If you haven't read Mary
Jo Pehl's "Reflections" on the "Final Sacrifice" episode,
you should because she sums up the Rowsdower/Troy thing perfectly. And
who am I to try and compete with someone as brilliant a writer as her? |
David
Ryder, as played by actor Reb Brown, is such a horrible character that
I don't really think it necessary to explain WHY he is a horrible character.
But I will. I did not give Mr. Brown a bad acting award because I really
think Reb was just playing himself, so that really required no acting,
hence no acting award. So then I have to turn to the screenwriters who
created the character, whether based on Mr. Brown or not, and blame them
for the horrible character I had to witness for 2 hours. Whether I was
watching Reb be Reb or Reb be David doesn't matter. The screenwriters
should have written the character differently, say, appealing,
or maybe interesting. I believe they hired Reb because they knew
he could play the exact part they wrote, not bring something new, like
talent, to the role. A "no acting required" acting role. Kind
of like Julia Roberts in all of her movies but that's a whole other rant.
So David Ryder is basically a one dimensional beefcake. That's pretty
much it. Oh, and he reminds me a little of all the horrid jocks I went
to high school with. And he screams "MOVE!" a lot which is really
irritating. You know, come to think of it, I probably should like David
Ryder because he's sorta the equivalent of every female role in just about
every movie ever made. You know, stand around half-dressed but don't do
anything else because you really have no importance in the movie except
to show off your body. Yes, maybe the character of David Ryder is the
great equalizer of movie roles. Maybe that was the point all along. Now
"MOVE!" |
Ben
Murphy
in #814 Riding With Death |
Michael
Pataki
in #1010 It Lives By Night |
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Doesn't
Ben Murphy remind you of all those smarmy guys who think their God's gift
and just hang around all day doing nothing constructive but staring long
and creepy-like at women who walk by them? He's also got that annoying
surfer guy type attitude that is basically the same as the leering guy
except they're staring long and creepy-like at themselves, not others.
I think that sums up Ben Murphy pretty well actually. I do admit though
that whenever I watch "Riding With Death", I am usually laughing
so much at Mr. Murphy's smarminess and ego (as well as MST3K's brilliant
writing of course) that I don't even remember if he is really a decent
actor or not. I finally decided that if I can't remember anything about
a character except that the actor who played him wore too tight jeans,
smiled constantly like he was about to pick up on you, and gave me nightmares
for 3 nights straight, then he probably wasn't very good. Reason being,
actors are supposed to make you FEEL something about a character, not
loathe them (the actor) so much you forget who the character is while
watching the movie. Ben
Affleck is a good example of a modern day Ben Murphy I think. I also don't
think it is just coincidence that they have the same first name.
|
One
of the funniest lines I have ever heard in MST3K was about the sergeant
character in "It Lives By Night", who was played by Michael
Pataki. The Sergeant is driving along in his cop car wearing big '70s
sunglasses, has a cigarette in his mouth, a big tan coat and cowboy hat
on and Crow says, "All he's missing is a feather boa." For weeks
afterward I would break into laughter at any given moment thinking of
that line. It was too perfect. It just fit somehow with the aura of creepiness
this guy was always giving off. I don't think the sergeant character would
have been nearly so annoying had another actor taken up the challenge.
I mean, the character might have been a little overzealous but you have
to admit, he did have some reason to suspect the main guy as a killer
since he was acting kind of "batty" (ha ha). So that brings
me to the fact that it must be the actor that makes me feel creepy
and violated whenever the character is on the screen. He has such
perv overtones...it's hard to describe. You just know after the shoot
he's probably at the nearest strip club. I have to say I was quite happy
to find out that my thoughts were not totally incorrect. While researching
Mr. Pataki I learned he was in "Hollywood Hot Tubs 2: Educating Crystal"
and in the mid to late 1990's was a soft-core porn director. See how it
all comes together in the end? See? ***For those of you who don't realize it, Michael Pataki also portrayed J.C. in episode #202 "The Sidehackers". As you'll recall this character is probably the most loathsome out of all the MST3K movies. J.C. is a rapist, murderer, racist, sexist, abuser, criminal, all around psycho pig, and he is played with great gusto by Mr. Pataki, who, by the way, will make you sterile when you see him in his very very tight '60s pants in "Sidehackers". It is all very nauseating & grotesque. Michael Pataki is far creepier in "Sidehackers" than "It Lives By Night", but seriously, I could find nothing to joke about with the pure repulsiveness of the J.C. character. If you're not convinced of Pataki's perv-ish creepiness now, then I pray for you, I really do.*** |
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Joe Estevez in #904 Werewolf & #1001 Soultaker |
Coleman
Francis
("screenwriter"/"actor"/ "director"/pain god) in #619 Red Zone Cuba |
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| When I saw "Werewolf" for the first time and Joe Estevez came on the screen, I said to myself, "Man, Martin Sheen looks BAD!" You can't really blame me, they do look a lot alike, and I'm pretty positive this is the basis for Joe Estevez's entire acting career. There is nothing I hate more than family members capitalizing on someone else's fame and getting an instant career because of either name recognition, face resemblance, or a quick "in" because the famous family member pressured someone to cast them (see Gwyneth Paltrow). Now, if you completely go "undercover" and change your name and/or not tell anyone who you're related to so you can make it on your own talent and not their coattails, I'm okay with that. I've always had some respect for say, Nicholas Cage, because of that. When he first started no one knew he was a Coppola. I have to say he did his best acting before anyone knew this (i.e. "Raising Arizona", "Valley Girl") and when the media reported it he instantly starred in crap (i.e. "Con Air", "Gone in 60 Seconds", "City of Angels", etc.). Coincidence? Who knows but maybe it made Hollywood idiots take a shine to him so they could get in good with Uncle Francis and so he got cocky and started skipping the indie roles. Back to Joe Estevez, I think it is pretty sad to have the distinction of being the worst actor in the Estevez/Sheen clan. But I presume Joe wears the crown proudly since he continues to make horrible movies. I've also noticed that Martin, Charlie, & Emilio never mention him, which to me speaks volumes...like, they're embarrassed by him (how sad would it be if Charlie Sheen was embarrassed by you?!) and don't want anyone to know he exists. Which brings me to my other thought that maybe this is the whole reason Joe started acting in the first place...for some vengeful or spiteful reason, maybe because him & Martin have hated each other for years and this is how Joe gets to him. If that's true, then I have a new respect for Joe Estevez because that is pretty cool. Maybe I will never know the truth to my questions but I have noticed one thing: that Joe didn't take the screen name "Sheen" to get 100% coattail riding which makes me wonder if maybe Martin has a court order against him or something. (Yes I do realize that Charlie & Emilio have only "made it" because of Martin as well but since they were never in a MST3K episode, though surely they would have been sooner or later if not for the cancellation, then I find no reason to rip on them here. And even I admit, I'd rather watch either of those two than Joe). | I hate
Coleman Francis. I really do. How can you like someone that causes you
so much pain, whether you've ever met them or not? I think he's just spiteful
and mad about something that happened in his life and he's paying back
all of society by making "films". Kind of like Joe Eszterhas.
I really don't even want to talk about this "movie" or Coleman.
I even feel a little minced at MST3K for doing this movie...now I know
it exists, now I know Coleman Francis exists, now I know what a true pounding
brain-squeezing migraine feels like. Okay, I forgive MST3K...I'm sure
they suffered more than me because they had to watch it over & over...then
again they did get paid...oh, you know I forgive them! I love them too
much not too. The first time I saw this movie I sat openmouthed, glued
to the screen. I couldn't believe anyone would even bother to pay to get
the film developed and then turn it into a print. I wish I had that kind
of money to spare! I picture Coleman & the Cardoza brothers sitting
out in his trashy car & appliance strewn front lawn with all the developed
film in a big messy pile next to them while they edit random strips together
by cutting it with the edges of sharp rocks they found in the street.
I'll bet money that's how it really happened. I think the character that
Coleman Francis plays in this film is probably a lot like Coleman Francis.
Stupid, ugly, back-stabbing, unintelligent, an escaped con, has dumb friends,
threatens people, uses people, kills anyone at the drop of a hat, bosses
people around, smells horrible, and virtually fails in every endeavor
he has ever undertaken. However I don't think Coleman Francis really ever
escaped from the clutches of a faux Fidel Castro...I guess the character
& the actor differ in that way. You'll notice I've also selected Mr.
Francis for my special "STOP Writing Award". I award this lightly
however because I am leaning toward the idea that "Red Zone Cuba"
wasn't actually written, per say, but more "played by ear"
or "let's just go with it" or maybe even "sure, why not?"
But, I gave him the award anyway since he saw fit to give himself the
screen credit. He also saw fit to destroy my idea of film as a thing of
art & beauty. Kind of like Joe Eszterhas. ***Coleman Francis' worst moment: discovering what film was.*** |
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Vivian Schilling (screenwriter/actor) in #1001 Soultaker |
Leslie
McRae in #1002 Girl in Gold Boots |
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You may think I'm only
spotlighting Vivian because she is one of the only actors to also write
the movie she stars in on an episode of MST3K. I have to respectfully
disagree with you and say this is not the reason I am focusing on her
as a writer. The main reason is because "Soultaker" has so
many plot holes that they're more like gaping wounds. Like Servo, I
had many questions at the end of "Soultaker". Not because
I liked the movie in any way but more because I was pissed off a screenwriter
could get away with leaving so many loose ends and holes and still get
credit for being a "writer". Oh, and when you write yourself
a nude scene and have every male character in the film wanting you,
you really need to get off the pedestal you built for yourself and take
a good long look in the mirror (and video tape your acting so you can
see & hear what we're seeing & hearing...awful isn't it?). She
even had her screen mother lusting after her! How sick was that scene?
It didn't even matter that it ended up being Joe Estevez shape shifting;
it was really sick. I think Vivian needs to sit down and examine why
she really wrote that scene...ugh. I read that Vivian wrote this story
after she had a near fatal car accident. I guess this was her way of
dealing with almost dying. I firmly believe she could have found a much
better way to deal with her emotions than writing one of the worst screenplays
of all time. I hope that if I ever have a near death experience I use
it more wisely than she did. Because I'm sick of talking about Vivian
Schilling, hilarious as it may be, I think I'll move onto someone else
from the film. Did you know the guy who played Brad, David Shark is
his name, is now on "The Young & the Restless"? He plays
Larry Warton and he is just as bad there as he was in this movie. If
you don't believe me, tune in. It's fun to watch him. He plays practically
the same role he had in "Soultaker" - a drug dealing ex-con.
Although his character has reformed in the last month or so. Just thought
you'd like to know. |
I
sort of liked Leslie McRae in this movie. Not because she's a good actor
or anything but because she played being dumb so well. It wasn't even
dumb exactly, in fact I don't really know what it was. Clueless maybe?
Naivety? I'm still not sure
but there was a slight glimmer of an endearing quality
in her acting the part of the main role Michele Casey. She certainly wasn't
cast because she was a good dancer. Halfway through the movie I started
to wonder if I was supposed to be thinking that her character was
a horrifically bad dancer and that everyone was just giving her a chance.
But then I realized, no, the movie is trying to say she's a great dancer
and everyone is in awe of her raw talent. Maybe the filmmaker told her
she got the part as a joke because she was the worst dancer he auditioned
and then he felt bad when she thought she really got the part so he let
her do it. Whatever the reason, her dancing is indescribably awful. I
also kind of liked Ms. McRae for the reason that she had a nice curvy
body and wasn't some stick thin anorexic actor (see Vivian Schilling next
box over). She had actual hips, some meaty thighs, and she looked good
I thought. See the scene where Joanie is auditioning her as a dancer and
tell me she doesn't have a better body as a size 12 than the scrawny size
4 boy figure of Joanie. The other reason I liked her was because she was
the first actor to play a character named "Michelle" in a MST3K
episode. Very narcissistic of me, yes, but I can't wait to make some MST3K
soundbites to use on my web pages with my own name in them, After "Gold
Boots", Leslie McRae next starred in the feature "Blood Orgy
of the She-Devils". This movie also starred her co-star from "Gold
Boots", Tom Pace, who played the fun-loving killer Buzz. Alas, neither
of them went on to do much else. ***One of my favorite editing moments of all time is in this film. When Buzz suddenly appears in the booth in the diner scene while Michele & Critter are talking I thought I was going to die because I couldn't catch my breath from laughter. The best part is that they must have shot the scene twice with & without Buzz because Critter & Michele never flinch, not for second, when Buzz suddenly appears. Their dialogue is obviously pieced together but their bodies don't move. Oh the hilarity.*** |
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Mrs. Hargrove #905 The Deadly Bees |
Melissa & Jody |
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The death
of Mrs. Hargrove from |
 I
don't often admit this, usually because it rarely happens, but I loved
this MST3K movie. The ineptness it took to actually make a semi-simple
plot line so difficult to follow is mesmerizing to me. I think a lot of
the film's plot must have been cut out in editing...obviously to make
room for the 2 hour pauses between each feeble line of dialogue. This
movie is a great example of inexperienced inspiration-deprived actors.
I reveled in it, I loved it. The whole Melissa/Satan storyline is so confusing
that your mind just starts making up wild paths of plot on its own. I
have purposefully watched this film tons of times to try and figure out
what the hell is going on with the witch/Lucinda plot. There are no answers
I tell you...none. They don't exist probably because they were never filmed,
let alone written. The difference between this movie and something like
"Red Zone Cuba", which also has no followable plot to speak
of, is that this one had a budget, a crew, a script, everything! "Red
Zone Cuba" was just like drunken friends fooling around with a super
8 camera over the weekend. Anyway, the un-acting of Melissa and Jody was
a pure delight. When Mike & the 'bots started in on the agonizing
lengths of the obviously unneeded pauses between dialogue, I thought I
would die laughing. It hurt. My sides ached for days. When Crow takes
it upon himself to count the seconds of the pause between dialogue in
the barn scene I had to leave the room for fear of laughing any harder
and causing myself some sort of aneurysm. Not only was the Crow line hilarious,
the dialogue and scene itself put the fun in funny. It is obvious these
two people had not acted much before or none at all. When I researched
these two hellbound lovers I found not a bit of info on Emby Mallay, the
actor who portrayed Melissa and who might possibly have had the worst
hairstyle of all time. Michael Berry, who portrayed Jody, I found a bit
of info on. It seems he doesn't act much anymore but he is a screenwriter
and if you saw the 1999 hit movie "Blue Streak" with Martin
Lawrence, then you just sat through a film written by Michael Berry my
friend. How does that feel? And now, since I can really comment no further
on the acting of Emby & Michael, mostly because they didn't really
do anything at all during the movie but stare at each other and pause,
I list some of the more baffling points of this movie...
(1) Who the hell were Luther & Molly, Melissa's "parents"?
(2) Why did Lucinda keep living as long as Melissa if it was Melissa who
made a deal with Satan? And why did Lucinda age and not Melissa? (3) WAS
Lucinda really a witch? (4) What exactly was Satan having Melissa do all
those 127 years? She keeps talking about a curse but she really seems
quite fine. Every few years Lucinda kills someone but that's not really
a curse for Melissa. And why DOES Lucinda randomly kill people every 9
years or so? (5) Does the devil just hang around THAT farm? The devil
was right there when Jody & Melissa called on him...like he has nothing
better to do? (6) And why, dear lord in heaven above, did someone actually
sit down and write the line, "This is where the fish live."?
I love this movie I tell you...it just keeps giving, even when you think
it couldn't possibly give you anything more. |
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| First
of all, you have to give the costume designer for Batwoman's character
credit...it's obvious there was no budget and the poor girl had to throw
something together as best she could using her kids old Halloween costumes
and stuff she found at the bottom of the bargain bin at Pic n' Save. I
think this movie may have had the same editor as Coleman Francis' films.
In fact, I think this movie may be a product of a fan or protégé
of Coleman - his films and this one have lots of common themes: they suck,
they cause irreversible pain, they hate you, they were shot & edited
blindfolded, and all the characters have the ability to make you cry in
horrible pain by not doing anything but be on screen. I think this movie
also had the same screenwriter as #817 "Horror of Party Beach"
because all anyone does is dance badly and excessively. Alas, I believe
none of my speculations are true as it was directed by Jerry Warren, a
complete hack who stole footage from Mexican horror films and put it into
his own. I was reading a review of this movie on an Internet site and
the reviewer said that since Mr. Warren got sued over the title of this
film and "lost his shirt" over it, he never made another film.
The reviewer writes this as if we should all bow our heads in reverence
to a great director denied his craft. Are we supposed to feel bad about
that? My god, if only Coleman Francis had used the name Batwoman in one
of his titles! We were spared more Jerry Warren fodder by the wonderful
angelic people who own Batman...I love them for what they gave us...don't
you? Everything else I read about this movie keeps saying it is a campy
parody of James Bond films. Honestly, I don't get the connection AT ALL.
I have never been a James Bond fan but I still don't see any connection--tons
of movies have hero versus villain...and they all do it much better than
this movie. I guess the connection comes in the form as women only being
used as half-dressed wallpaper and treated like crap. Well, onto Batwoman
herself... She really didn't do that much in this movie to be honest.
She controlled a bevy of half-clad whores and then held a really really
really really long seance that I still can't figure out the purpose of.
I think she was supposed to be some kind of superheroine or something
but that idea kind of died out during the movie. Her main nemesis really
wasn't much of a nemesis, so that pretty much makes her not much of a
heroine. I think she may have also been a lesbian as she seemed to enjoy
being surrounded by barely dressed women who did a lot of writhing around.
Her "world" was not wild at all, as the title suggests. This
upset me because I was ready for some wildness, as it was promised, and
then it never got delivered. Had I paid to see this movie I think I might
have demanded my money back for false advertising. You can't just promise
wildness and then not deliver it. It just doesn't work that way! And to
top all that off, Batwoman really didn't do anything remotely bat-like
at all except for have a bat picture drawn on her chest with magic marker.
And note to aforementioned costume designer: bats don't have feathers
on their heads. We the movie-goers have rights I tell you and I firmly
believe this movie violated all of them...including some we might not
even know about. |
Blessed
is the marketing genius who created Coily the Spring Sprite. I LOOOOOOOOVE
Coily! He is completely adorable, a freakish nightmare, unbelievably irritating,
and oh-so-effective. I want a Coily doll/figure more than you could ever
imagine. Pathetic? I may be, but I'd be pathetic with my very own Coily
doll! Yeah! The second Coily made his debut in the short "A Case
of Spring Fever" (from episode #1012 "Squirm") I was mesmerized,
hypnotized, sickened, and in love. Coily skyrocketed to the top of my
all-time favorite MST3K characters list faster than you can say "NO
SPRINGS!" And he's only in the short for a few minutes! What an effective
little guy that Coily - achieving fame in a brief 5 minute cameo, never
to be seen or heard from again. How I wish there was a psychotic little
sprite for every mundane thing on this planet. Wouldn't life be that much
more fun if all these evil little sprites were taking away the most average,
simple, occasionally frustrating things like alarm clocks, VCR timers,
fax machines, stereos...? How fun! I guarantee you I would just make up
problems with my stuff and then wish them away so a little sprite would
appear. We just don't have that kind of innocent marketing stuff anymore
and it really bites. It's a freaking spring with a cartoon elf head &
feet with an annoying voice and probably cost all of $10 to produce. Now
we spend millions on horribly unimaginative characters with no charm,
creativity, or even stupid simplicity. The only marketing character that
can even look in Coily's direction may be the Pillsbury Doughboy but he's
from the '60s as well so he doesn't really count. So I guess until some
ad company takes a chance and goes for cheap stupid simplicity over horridly
expensive and irritating we will never see another brilliant a character
as Coily. Maybe you think I'm going overboard on my Coily love-fest but
I don't care. He is a ray of sunshine in an otherwise migraine inducing
20 hour soliloquy on the importance of springs. They couldn't have cast
a more bland or dull actor than the guy in the short and that makes Coily
that much more fun. I must add here that I desperately wanted the Mikey
Sprite prop from this MST3K episode that the Brains ended up putting on
auction at eBay. I watched silently & tearfully as the price went
up & up...into the realms where my bank account must fear to tread
as it has never had that much in it. Another side note to this is that
just about every item the Brains put on eBay went up that high and it
was really depressing because I didn't get ONE piece of memorabilia from
my most favorite show ever. For a show that has preached "trading"
tapes I must ask how they expected their devoted, yet not all wealthy,
fans to afford anything. It really wasn't their fault though I guess because
the starting bids were usually quite low. It's all about money I suppose,
as it always is, so I will bury my pain as well as my contempt for the
people who bid everything into unimaginable proportions for the majority
of us, and say, Coily, I hardly knew ye, but I surely love ye. |
Arch Hall, Jr. #506 Eegah |
Female
Characters of #1011 Horrors of Spider Island |
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Yet another chilling example of nepotism gone horribly horribly wrong. There is so much contempt in my body for Arch Hall, Jr. that I think it might be better if I just left it at that and stopped writing. But what fun would that be??? Arch Hall and Arch Hall, Jr. are the Charles B. Pierce and Chuck Pierce of the '50s & '60s. That probably says enough right there. I'm sorry, but could Arch Hall, Jr. truly be the ugliest person ever? His face completely freaked me out. I have never seen anyone with such a repulsive baby face at the age of twenty-something. I know that is really mean of me but I thought HE was Eegah when I saw this episode for the first time. I couldn't imagine them casting someone more horrid than him for the "monster" role. Personally I think I was right in that assumption because I would rather date Richard Kiel than Arch Hall, Jr., caveman or not (come to think of it, I actually have dated a Neanderthal or two...ha!). Okay, but I will be fair here in mentioning that at least they cast an almost as ugly and untalented woman as Arch's girlfriend, Roxie, in the film. I could buy that these two liked each other because of the horrible disfigurements they shared. I have gone way over my mean quotient on this one so I better stop...but not before I say at least Charles B. Pierce didn't let young Chuck sing and play guitar in his movie like Arch Sr. allowed Arch Jr. to do in his. Untalented? YES. Unbelievable? YES. Unforgivable? YES. If I were Arch Sr. I would have directed under a pseudonym too after I saw the final print and realized how completely awful my kid really was and what a bad bad thing nepotism can be. (That statement does not absolve Arch Hall Sr. of any wrongdoing in his part in the making of this grotesque film called "Eegah". He is more to blame since he directed AND acted (horribly) but I think Junior was obviously more fun to focus on).
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I took great offense to this movie. Had it not been
made in the 1950's and most of the crew Yugoslavian and probably dead
by now, I think I would have written a letter demanding an apology. I
could find not one redeeming quality concerning women in this movie. To
be honest though, I don't think I have actually made it all the way through
this movie. Most MST3K movies go beyond their wretchedness and give you
something on a different level, the wretchedness becomes a mockery of
itself and you can enjoy the movie, or at least sit through it, because
Mike/Joel and the 'bots are bringing out the other side of the movie,
the one that goes beyond bad into a realm of new possibilities. This movie
however is just bad. Bad bad bad bad bad. Though hilarious in their jokes,
the Brains cannot even hold my interest for the entire movie because I
am so irritated by the nothingness on screen. Nothing happens in this
movie...I don't even know why it's called Spider Island. There's one spider,
but they only show him twice. I don't know, I'm getting annoyed just trying
to remember the movie now. Let's face it, this movie was only made to
showcase the women in it and to let men know that yes, women are only
here for your pleasure, they have no other purpose in life but to be scantily
clad, hang on your every word like you're some sort of prophet, and exude
sex 24/7...and give it to you 24/7 if you want. This movie theorizes that
a woman, without male companionship or someone to flirt with or have sex
with for about 2 days, will go into some sort of frenzied overdrive and
try to be with any man that might be within a 10 mile radius. The fact
that every woman in this movie comes onto Gary within a few hours on the
island is really quite repulsive, as Gary himself is quite repulsive.
The Brains have a line in episode #904 "Werewolf", when the
wolf, after attacking the 4000th woman, that has Mike saying something
to the effect of, "Do you think most filmmakers have issues with
women?" A truer line has never been said. We are all, not just women
but men with intelligence and respect for the opposite gender, condemned
to see male issues, problems, traumas, fantasies, and any other disgusting
sort of lashing out toward women whenever we watch TV or enter a theater.
Why I ask you do we let this go on? The fact that this movie was even
dubbed into English and released in America boggles my mind. It is a horrid
movie with nothing interesting at all in it, its entire plot a study of
sexism & gender bashing, and yet someone paid to have it translated,
dubbed, reprinted, shipped, and released into other countries when what
should have happened is that the country that made it in the first place
was so ashamed of it that they buried it and hid it forever so no one
could ever be exposed to its hate of women again. |
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The
Gill Man
(the Creature) #801 Revenge of the Creature |
Trumpy
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| CREATURE
FEATURE Oh my god! Did you feel as bad for the Gill Man in this movie as I did? They tortured this poor fish man the entire film and then they try to make him look like the evil one at the end! I was seriously appalled. From the start of the movie the poor Gill Man is not only completely ambushed with no chance of escape in his own little Amazonian paradise, but they bombed his home to catch him and probably killed off all wildlife in the river for miles. He wasn't even bothering anyone or doing anything wrong and they just go out and fishnap him so they can exhibit him at MARINEWORLD! So then after carting the creature all the way to Florida they put him in a tank the size of a small storage space and then they cruelly unleash John Agar on him. Bored out of his mind in his 2X2 cell, the Gill Man floats aimlessly around (because he's CHAINED inside the tank!) looking through faux portholes at the heavily made-up & always perfectly coifed Lori Nelson who is as much an ichthyologist as my big toe. And a note on that: this movie wasn't trying to break barriers by portraying a woman in the '50s as having a college degree and a prominent reputation as a fish scientist, they were just trying to work in a love interest for Agar...and they also needed an excuse to make sure you could see a woman in a swimsuit of course. Anyway, after the Gill Man is fed one tiny goldfish a day by metal basket (didn't this make you wonder why the Gill Man didn't kill and eat the other fish in his tank like he would in his natural habitat? I thought that plot hole so funny...he must have ate berries in the Amazon because he didn't kill any fish in his tank for food but waited, like he knew he was supposed to, for the humans to send him a trout by basket! HA! Too funny!) they then go and start giving him metal shocks for no good reason except having the excuse that it's science and they want to tame him or something. I was impatiently waiting for the Gill Man to start ripping off some heads! I was rooting for him the entire movie. His "revenge" wasn't near fatal or complete enough. Then the Creature finally breaks out (THANK GOD!) and the movie is acting like we're supposed to be in fear for Agar and his lady love in case the Creature comes after them. GOOD! I WANTED HIM TO! I wish he would have killed them both. Then the movie tries to get you to hate the Gill Man more by having him kill Chris (ha!) the dog. Yes it was sad, yes I loved Chris (ha!), but the fish man is an animal...that's the way he operates man! He doesn't know any better! Then of course the Gill Man is killed at the end and we're all supposed to be cheering that the horrible monster is dead. The horrible monster was not dead ladies and gentlemen...the horrible monster was not dead because Agar and his other torture fiend buddies walked away scot-free at the end with no punishment for their horrible cruelty to animals (or to us for having to watch this animal/fish bashing movie). Someone call PETA, QUICK! |
CREATURE
FEATURE
There's a reason I like Trumpy. It's not because he is one of the most classic MST3K movie characters but because he fits perfectly into my long-running theory of extraterrestrial life. Hollywood films, books, television shows, theorists, scientists, et. al, would like to have us believe that if there is extraterrestrial life out there then it is highly evolved, intelligent, far beyond our simple technological means, far beyond our stream of consciousness, far beyond us and our world in just about every way (except for most of the Hollywood aliens - they just want to kill us). I have always differed from that opinion. My theory is that if there is life in outer space, it's probably horribly stupid, far below us on the evolutionary chain, dumb as posts, desperate for a gullible civilization to latch onto so it can be supported by said civilization. Now, this may reflect a lot on my cynical outlook on certain parts of life, but have you really ever considered the option that finding this alien life would be horrible for us? It could be yet another drain on our already soft economy by having to support some useless stupid extraterrestrial life-forms because we want to make sure we have "good relations" with them. I can see it now...politicians raising taxes so we can have education funds and research studies for the aliens, welfare programs for destitute aliens, a no choice take-an-alien-into-your-home-and-support-them policy, plus the fact that every single 10 billion of them are rock stupid and can contribute nothing to any society, ever. Now wouldn't we feel dumb after we spent billions and billions of dollars on space exploration expecting to find some highly evolved creatures (i.e. "Men in Black", "Contact", "The X-Files") and then it ends up we find nothing but sub-intelligent leeches who need 110% of our support to function and now that we found them and stirred them up they will never leave us alone (i.e. my theory)? Anyway, all I wanted to say is that Trumpy fits perfectly into my theory on aliens. His little pea brain in his tiny anteater-ish head can do nothing but make toys dance around a child's bedroom, lay eggs, eat said child's family out of house and home, and then contribute nothing in return...not to mention he kills every human he comes in contact with. Thank you "Pod People" for helping me to prove my point on extraterrestrial life: IT STINKS! (I am SO sorry but I just HAD to do it...it was to perfect an opportunity to ignore...I hope you understand). |
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Agar
the animal torturer
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Trumpy! You can do stupid things!
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Mantis
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Watching this movie is
seriously one of the most painful things I've ever done to my soul.
I often beg my soul's forgiveness, but it just shuts its eyes and turns
away, shaking its head sadly. To erase the day that I saw this movie
would be like giving me a second chance at life...I'd feel like Jimmy
Stewart at the end of "It's A Wonderful Life". Oh my god,
the ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndless |
CREATURE
FEATURE As with all of the poor unfortunate animals, bugs, reptiles, etc., that have to endure the judgmental wrath of the human race in the vast archive of movies from the 1950's and 1960's, the giant Mantis has not a chance in hell of surviving. I must diligently point out once again that the Mantis did not ASK to be giant and he did not ASK to be released from his cocoon of cozy ice. He was resting peacefully for millions of years and would have continued resting for a million more, but the kill happy humans had to test bombs and the explosions shattered his little ice home and thrust him into a world that labeled him "freak". Was it the Mantis' fault that he was a tad hungry after centuries of hibernation? Was it the Mantis' fault that humans had overpopulated the world and were the only thing left for him to eat? No I tell you, it was not his fault. But, he was thrown into our world anyway and tried desperately to adapt and live in harmony and then the United States Military stepped in. The lonely Mantis does not know that this is never a good sign in creature features such as this movie. When the Mantis was "attacking" the Eskimo stock footage, did you see him actually kill anyone? I did not, but then again I wasn't paying much attention to the movie itself so I should probably retract that statement because he very well could have eaten an Eskimo. I DID notice that the Mantis was trying to fly to a warmer climate toward the end of the film and on his way he bothered nobody, ate nobody, and did nothing out of the ordinary for a mantis. But this flight to warmer climate somehow triggers the flipswitch of panic in all things human and they go to hunt him down and shoot him out of the sky. Maybe if they would have let him GET to the warm climate he would have made a nice little home and lived out the rest of his days peacefully, disturbing no one. If it sounds to you like I really have no focus on this review, you're dead on because I have no idea what else to say about yet another '50s movie that hates everything not human and white, casts only one woman in the entire film (screaming victims, which are always women, don't count) but never to portray an actual character but to be a love interest for some really ugly smug man who is usually in some power/military position and who enjoys putting said woman love interest down with snide demeaning comments that he tries to turn into little love jokes after the woman makes a pouty face. With the choice of characters in this movie the Mantis is by far the most developed, flushed out one as well as my favorite and sadly I had to accept his inevitable fate as he was the only character in the movie that could be killed with a spray of Raid. Alas, if only the rest of the people in the film could have been done away with so easily. RIP dear Mantis, RIP. |
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The military
steps in!
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PAUL
(to Natalie while playing pool): "You're a hustler!" (Natalie grinning stupidly) SERVO (in faux Latvian (?) accent): "No, I was IN Hustler!" |
"This
may cause underwear staining..."
(MIKE) |
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Winners: the cast of #904 "Werewolf". This movie is a pure delight. What was supposed to be a werewolf horror film came out as pure unbridled comedic fun. Watching the immensely bad acting of every cast member and trying to figure out what the hell freaking country each person is from is a joyful movie outing. My favorite character is Uri, the psycho who talks like the Frito Bandito. Man, the Brains did a job on him and I rolled with laughter on every riff. Who is this moron? God, his acting is like having to try and do work and concentrate while someone runs a leafblower outside your door (this example is from my own experience). While his acting was grating enough, Natalie, the redheaded Latvian (?) woman's acting was like being tied to a chair with no possibility of escape while someone scrapes fingernails and other objects across a chalkboard - over and over again. This turned out to be one of my all-time favorite MST3K episodes. I loved it! The Brains did a bang-up job and they left nothing unscathed. I loathe this movie so much that I enjoy it. Of course if Mike & the 'bots weren't making comments during it I would have to sue the creators of "Werewolf" for extreme emotional distress. Luckily, it didn't have to come to that (thanks MST3K!). If you're in the mood for laughter my friend, then watch this episode. You can even play drinking games with it...examples: every time Uri shows up with a new hairstyle - DRINK! Every time a woman is brutalized - DRINK! Every time an actor's accent changes from the scene before - DRINK! Every time you hear the cruise ship horn - DRINK! Every time you feel the urge to write your congress person and demand a law that bans all forms of filmmaking - DRINK! I guarantee within 20 minutes into the film your entire party will be sloshed. **Great moment: When Paul, our resident werewolf, turns off the radio and the horribly annoying ear-shattering soundtrack goes off as well. God I love bad movies!** |
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OLD
MAN
SECURITY GUARD (on the phone to studio boss after building explodes): "There's been an accident at the studio." CROW: "We made 'Hobgoblins'." |
"Proof
there's no life after drama club."
(SERVO) |
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Winners: the cast of #907 "Hobgoblins". You should know up front that this movie hates you. Once you accept that inescapable fact of "Hobgoblins" you'll enjoy it more, I promise. This is the type of movie that I love when MST3K does. Maybe it's because I'm so used to this kind of film...you know in the summer when you were off from school (or even any given uneventful weekend nowadays) & there was nothing to do so you turn on the TV and all that is on is a movie like this on USA or some other crap cable channel (actually #904 "Werewolf" fits better into this category but "Hobgoblins" type movies dominate the 3am time slot)? You would sit & watch the movie in horror & pleasure because first there's nothing else to do, second because it so unbelievably bad, & third because you know you'll never hear of it again if you don't watch it now because it's not available for rent (THANK GOD!) & it was never released at the theater (THANK GOD!). The agonizing bad acting in this film is a tribute to all actors who CAN act. You can really start to understand & see the differences between good & bad acting when watching a film such as this. There is not even one passably decent actor in this film. I think topping my list of worst actors in this movie, which is a very hard feat to accomplish, would be the slut Daphne. Every second of screen time she is in is a second of my life I want back. So grating is Daphne that you'll be dreaming of the root canal you'd rather be having. All that splendid Novocain to numb the pain...to numb the fury of hate directed at her character. I promise I will not even get into the portrayal of women in this film. It would be too long & oh-so-obvious. If you don't think there was a problem with how women were portrayed in this movie I urge you to please leave my web site now & never return. Trying to forget the horrific florescent spandex with see through lace skirt & dangling condom Daphne chose as her film attire, I urge you to move on to the next actor on my list, who would be our main star Kevin. Though not as outwardly nerve-slicing as some of the rest of the cast, Kevin's irritant quotient is mostly a thing of low-key whining & whimpering. I wonder if the description for the role when casting really said "Whiny loser who for some reason is the star. Please make sure you ARE a whiny loser before auditioning." This is of course assuming that these roles were actually CAST in the traditional sense, which I highly doubt they were...I'm pretty sure these were the director's friends who were free the weekend he shot the movie. Since I really hate everyone in this movie & I want to be fair, I'm going to say for third place there is a tie...between everyone else in the cast. I don't feel any of these "actors" belong below the top 3 worst. That would be like giving them credit they don't deserve. So with that I am finished here. If I delve into each character I will be here till the next millennia as I hate them all so much I could write a book on how much each one deserves my hate. Of course, I'm not forgetting the crown prince of this movie, who would be producer, director, editor, cinematographer, & writer Rick Sloane. As I'm sure you don't know, or much care, Rick Sloane went on to direct some fine films such as "Vice Academy" (#'s 1-6) & "Babe Watch". There is a special place in hell for him. There has to be. If not, what was this all for I ask? **Did you know that the woman who plays Fantazia in this movie is Tamara Clatterbuck (under the pseudonym of Tammi Bakke) who went on to play Alice on "The Young & the Restless" for a while. She wasn't as horrible as you'd imagine but then again she was playing a white trash type character so it probably fit in with her training for the role of Fantazia. She is the second actor (I know of) that has been on "The Young & the Restless" that has also been in an MST3K movie...that kind of makes me wonder why I keep tuning into "Restless" on my days off...** |
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***A
smidgen of "Manos" trivia: Tom Neyman, the man who portrayed
"The Master", was also the set designer of "Manos".
I wonder what it feels like to fail on 2 completely different aspects
of filmmaking on the same movie? Maybe we should ask Rick Sloane,
who failed at least 4 different aspects in one movie (and that's only
the documented |
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While
surfing the net
one night I came upon something very interesting. A very nice site dedicated
to B-horror movies and the worst movies of all time. This was not an MST3K
site but it could have been since most of the bad movies talked about
were shown on MST3K at some time or another. Anyhoo, the author is reviewing
"Manos: The Hands of Fate", as reviewers who review bad movies
are wont to do in their career at some point, and he wrote something that
shed a whole hell of a lot of light on the Torgo character. Now I don't
know where he got this info but I think it must be true. It explains so
much. He says, "...he [Torgo] was supposed to be half goat, but they
didn't have the budget to do it right..." Does that not explain
everything?! It explains the misshapen huge knees -- he's supposed
to have mutated goat type legs with hooves and bulgy knees! --The awful
stuttered highly brain-squeezing voice -- the stuttered odd sounds a goat
makes, like "baaah"...when they have goats talk in cartoons
or animatronics it is usually always an old woman voice they use for the
stuttery effect! --The reason Torgo just hangs around and never leaves
-- a minion of the Master..i.e. Satan...i.e. MANGOAT! Goats are associated
with Satan all the time in myth and literature, etc. IT IS ALL COMING
TOGETHER! I SEE IT ALL NOW! I was so excited to read this tidbit...it
just made everything FIT. Of course then I remembered it was "Manos"
I was getting all excited about and I slapped myself a few times and then
calmed down. But I really enjoyed reading that little bit of movie trivia
because it doesn't make the film or its makers any less atrocious, but
it just helps to answer a little slice of that huge question "WHY?"
when thinking of "Manos: The Hands of Fate". I thought letting
you all know this info would help you sleep a little better at night as
it has helped me tremendously. This page is dedicated to Torgo because I feel he embodies the essence of MST3K. He's a horrible character played by a horrible actor. He is the god whom all bad actors and characters revere and worship. They look to him in times of guidance. Torgo fails on every conceivable level of creation: writing, acting, costume & make-up design, blocking, sound, editing, everything. It is because of characters like Torgo and the people who created him and the man who played him that we had MST3K for ten glorious hilarious years. To Torgo and his minions, to his creators and their crew, and to the people who throughout the history of film have aimed to achieve the same low-level goals of fast and bad production, unstructured and unpolished scriptwriting, no casting knowledge and the lack of caring to find decent actors, the no budget but refuse to be imaginative set designers, the non-caring editors who want to get it done fast, the sound people who don't care about sync or if their boom mike is working, the gaffers who just don't care that a light has gone out, and to the actors with so much hate in their soul that they took the poorly written role only to cause you permanent mental pain in their portrayal of the character. To all of these people, I thank you, because without you MST3K would never have existed, and that would be an existence I just can't imagine. Thank you Torgo, you embody it all, and I'm proud to have taken this time-out for you. Thank you friend. Thank you. |
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